


Strength is Relative

by DanishPastriesandmore



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, Family, German bros, Hospitals, M/M, Slash, cancer au, descriptions of cancer, loosely inspired by the film 50/50, probably innacurate, unsexy depictions of sexual activity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-07-25 07:45:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7524376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanishPastriesandmore/pseuds/DanishPastriesandmore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Feliciano and Ludwig have been boyfriends for a few years now, and are deeply in love. They don't expect anything to change that. Feliciano especially didn't expect Ludwig to be diagnosed with cancer.</p><p>And now the young couple has to deal with the hurdles that may bring.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Very loosely inspired by the film 50:50. I think its very good even if I'm not a massive fan of the girlfriend cheating subplot, so I deffo recommend it! This fic with have some non-descriptive-not-sexy sex but not much, and swearing, and discussions of cancer.

Feliciano never thought that his relationship with Ludwig could be faced with anything but the ‘normal’ worries. Like paying your rent; where they should go on holiday; whether or not they wanted to get married.

And yet, it was not the case.

He'd met Ludwig at university. The quiet student studying engineering had bumped into Feliciano one evening when moving around campus.

Feliciano had spilled his papers, and Ludwig had been shy and embarrassed and collected his items for him, despite giving Feliciano a telling off for not looking where he was going. After that, Feliciano seemed to notice Ludwig around a lot more. It's funny that after you meet someone you seem to see them everywhere. In the library, the campus shop, the flats, the Christmas fair. They were both part of LGBTQ, and Feliciano was annoyed they hadn't met before, because he always enjoyed the German’s company when they did chat.   
  
After being acquaintances for months, Ludwig had offered to help each other study, and although engineering was quite a bit different to History of Art, Ludwig ended up helping Feliciano study and organise.

* * *

 

"Can I take your picture, Ludwig?"

Ludwig paused from reading whatever text book he was meant to be studying. "Erm- what for?"

Feliciano scratched his chin, thoughtfully. "I like taking photos of memories, snapshots of life, so I want to take one of you so I can remember you in the future." He said softly. He knew to some people he sounded ridiculous.

Ludwig just stared at him, a confused look in his face. "You want a picture of me helping you  _ study _ ? That's pretty boring."

Feliciano would not let his smile waver. "However mundane, I just take pictures when I feel like it! And I  _ like _ you Ludwig, so I want a photo of someone I  _ like _ ."

Ludwig nodded. "I... See. Well, you can take a photo of me; I don't quite understand though."

Feliciano smiled, and lifted his camera up and took the photo. He didn't mind that Ludwig didn't get it, Ludwig didn't seem to understand a few things despite how smart he was. Such as how the stress of the word  _ 'like'  _ was clearly not meant as just friendship.

* * *

It had taken a few months of testing the waters before Feliciano had given up on being subtle and asked Ludwig directly out. Ludwig had sputtered and blushed and awkwardly agreed.

The relationship, from then on, moved swimmingly.

Feliciano ended up finishing university with a 2:1 and having a boyfriend to move in with.

They'd stayed in the UK for simplicity sake with the language, and ended up working. Ludwig was to stay at the uni, helping with the engineering department whilst Feliciano worked at a museum gallery and art dealership.   
  
They settled into a routine in their small bedroom apartment. Ludwig would wake Feliciano up in the morning, and make Feliciano breakfast because Feliciano was not a morning person, and Ludwig would walk the dogs he loved so much before both heading off to work, only to meet up later. Ludwig and Feliciano would switch making dinner, and Ludwig would pressure Feliciano into sitting and working through the full paperwork that came with the job, whilst Ludwig would retreat to his study. Throughout the day, if Feliciano wanted to, he'd take a photo, perhaps just of Ludwig with the dogs, or maybe of a particularly impressive pasta dish he had found. In the end, they'd both end up in bed, and they'd sleep next to each other.

Feliciano depended on Ludwig in a way. He was his rock. He anchored Feliciano emotionally, and Feliciano considered him to be much stronger than Feliciano. After his grandfather died, Feliciano fell apart, and Ludwig was there for him. So strong, so kind.

But overall, they lived an easy life, a happy life.   
  


* * *

  
It started with a pain in Ludwig’s lower back.    
  
Ludwig had groaned when he returned from walking the dogs. Feliciano had asked him what was wrong, and he had replied that his back was hurting him. He said that he had felt a slight pain there for a while, but it seemed to be getting worse recently.   
  
Feliciano had fretted, but perhaps he hadn't fretted enough, because Ludwig ignored the pain in his back for weeks.   
  


* * *

  
Ludwig eventually got the pain in his backside tested. He wanted to be told some exercises that he could do to alleviate this pain in his back. The doctor had ran some tests, and had eventually sent him in to get an x-Ray done, and would be sent back the results.  
  
Feliciano remembered that day well, when Ludwig got the test results back.  
  
Feliciano hadn't known about the x-Rays, _Ludwig hadn't told him,_  so he didn't understand why Ludwig was so quiet when he returned from work.  
  
"Hey, Ludwig, please tell me what's wrong." He asked desperately after a while after Ludwig sitting on the sofa and staring at his shoes became too much.  
  
Ludwig looked up at Feliciano, a distant look in his eyes. "Ah, Feli, I went to go get an x-Ray about my back..."  
  
"Right...." Feliciano said slowly. He was confused. An x-ray? _He thought Ludwig had just sprained it badly_ \--

"It's cancer, Feli."  Ludwig said. He was looking at Feliciano in the eyes

In general, Feliciano cried a lot. He was the emotional one to Ludwig’s stoicism. But the revelation was too huge for even him to comprehend. “Oh.” he finally uttered out, defeated by the weight of the situation.

And in that moment, the normality shattered.   
  


* * *

  
"The tumour will be treated with chemotherapy." The doctor had said at their consultancy meeting. They'd avoided talking about the situation until the consultancy because neither knew what to say.   
  
"And how long will this take?" Ludwig had asked.   
  
The doctor stalled. "However long it takes. At least three months.  I will try to give you as much information as I can but this is a rare cancer, so the information collected on it changes. It really does depend on the individual. "   
  
"And the prognosis?" Ludwig asked. Feliciano was glad that Ludwig was stating all the questions, as Feliciano felt like he was breaking down, and _why were the lights so bright, could he throw up in the bin if he felt sick?_   
"Well, this is quite a degenerative form of cancer. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the survival chances are 50/50. It could go either way."

That simple fact was mind numbing.

50/50. Ludwig could die.

The ride home was in silent. Feliciano drove because Ludwig seemed too distant to drive, and didn't protest, which was strange because Ludwig usually preferred to drive because they both knew he was the better driver. Feliciano, usually chatty, could not think of anything to say.

 _This sort of thing didn't happen to them._ Ludwig was only 24. Feliciano was 25. Cancer was an _old_ person thing, or at least middle-aged, and they didn't need to worry about their health now when Ludwig went to the gym and took the dogs out for walks and forced Feliciano to exercise, and Feliciano made sure they ate healthily even if Ludwig had a sweet tooth. _Why would this happen to them of all people?_

There was no real answer.

Feliciano had shaken Ludwig to get him of his daze and out of the car when they arrived home. They'd gone up to the flat, and Ludwig had greeted his dogs with comforting words. Feliciano moved to store the information packs on 'Cancer and You' and 'Coping with a Loved One's Cancer' on the bookshelves. Unsure of what to do; as his mind was both numb and jumbled; Feliciano decided to start making dinner, as cooking was always a calming action. However, his preparation was stopped when he heard sobs coming from the corridor.   
  
He immediately rushed out. He saw Ludwig trying to hold back the tears but clearly breaking down on the corridor floor, with the dogs frantically trying to comfort him.   
  
Feliciano went over and cradled Ludwig. It was difficult, as Ludwig was much larger than Feliciano, but they made do. Ludwig let out a few shuddering sobs, and Feliciano cried as well, and kissed his head and promised that they'd get through this together.   
  
They went to bed together, Ludwig resting in Feliciano' arms, and Feliciano realised that the roles were changing, and that  _ he _ was going to have to be strong for Ludwig. He just hoped that he'd be up to the mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A 2:1 degree is like the second best degree you can get in the UK.
> 
> I've had this story sitting on my laptop unfinished for months so it'll go through some editing but it should have a regular upload schedule.
> 
> As always, I love feedback! :3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the longest chapter because it all links together without a good place to split in two or whatever. Enjoy!

Ludwig would take time off work, it had been decided. Well, not by Ludwig, but by his employers at the university. They had been incredibly sympathetic and insisted on giving Ludwig as much time off as he needed.   
  
Feliciano was relieved, but Ludwig was not happy; he would get incredibly twitchy at home. Ludwig liked to be  _ doing _ , not sitting around watching everyone else be active. He had eventually persuaded them to be given some paperwork to do at home, convincing them that he'd be simply be bored otherwise.   
  
Feliciano tried to convince Ludwig that he shouldn't be at risk of stressing himself out, but he was rebutted strongly.   
  
In the end, Feliciano supposed he should support whatever made Ludwig happy.

Feliciano managed to negotiate less hours, to be there for Ludwig, and could be there for Ludwig at every session if he needed to. Feliciano in the meantime did research. He read books. He looked into online support groups, for himself and Ludwig. He tried to look at the cancer information, but he didn’t understand the big words. But he could understand the words ‘rare’, ‘dangerous’, ‘fatal.’

He tried to learn everything he could, but he couldn’t help but be daunted by it all. This was all so much, so much to learn, and he couldn’t believe it was still happening.

It hadn’t really sunk in, but he decided to persevere anyway.

The day before the first chemotherapy session, Ludwig had called Gilbert, his brother in Germany, and his only major living relative. Gilbert and Ludwig's father left when they were young. Ludwig had been only 3, so didn't know him, but Ludwig had said that he knew Gilbert considered this a good thing. They were raised by their mother and grandfather, but their mother passed away from a heart attack when Ludwig was 12, and then raised solely by their grandfather. When Ludwig was 17, their grandfather passed away. They were the only two left.

Feliciano had met him a few times, as Gilbert had travelled to England to meet up with Ludwig and vice versa during the holidays. He was nice, even if he was the complete opposite of his brother, but Ludwig had been anxious not to call him as he knew that Gilbert would want to come over straight away, and he hadn't wanted to worry him.

So Ludwig knuckled down and rang him.   
  
The conversation was in German, which Feliciano did not understand much of, but he could tell that Ludwig was trying to desperately diffuse Gilbert and was only replying in cut off sentences. After a while, he put the phone down.   
  
"He's coming over as soon as he can this week."

Ludwig's first chemo appointment went well.

He was nervous, but they soon settled down whilst the process happened. Ludwig sat down whilst the medication was slowly injected into his skin. The two chatted for a bit, and it was surprisingly easy.

However as he watched the drugs enter Ludwig, it finally started to sink in that Ludwig had cancer, and was getting treatment for it. It made him feel sick all over again, but he managed to keep it down.

Ludwig had only eaten some of his dinner, saying that his appetite had gone, which was fine, this was normal, as the nurses had said, so they ended up going to bed earlier.

Feliciano was usually a heavy sleeper, but the unusual sound of retching woke him up.

He sleepily wandered over to Ludwig, who was leaning over the toilet, his face pale.

Feliciano felt a little anxious, but tried to calm himself down. He placed a hand on Ludwig’s shoulder who gruffly balked at the gesture, and leant on the wall at the back.

“Hey, this is normal, we’ll get the doctors to adjust the pills-”

“I know, Feliciano.” Ludwig snapped. He didn’t look Feliciano in the eyes.

Feliciano didn’t reply, but he couldn’t help but be hurt by the tone. Deciding to at least be useful, he went across to the kitchen to fetch Ludwig a glass of water. He offered it to the sickly man, who eventually took it.

Ludwig finished the glass, and then turned away. “Sorry.” he eventually said.

The books Feliciano had read said that anger was normal, emotions were normal. Ludwig was reacting. This was part of the process.

Feliciano said nothing, and offered his hands to Ludwig, who took it and they went to bed.

* * *

Feliciano called Lovino up. He’d been putting it off, but over a week had passed now and he needed to tell his family, his brother.

As soon as heard Lovino's voice, he cried on the phone, and Lovino had demanded to know what was wrong. “Has he upset you?”.

Feliciano choked out a few words. “No, Lovi, he’s got cancer.”

“ _Cancer_!? Are you _joking_?”

“The fuck would I joke about this Lovi” he snapped, and he heard Lovino’s breath hitch on the other side. He probably came across as unusually harsh.

“Sorry, sorry Feli.”

Lovino had been surprisingly comforting. He knew Lovino had disliked Ludwig when they met up for the first time and ever since. He begged Feliciano to find someone more ‘full of life” and Feliciano hadn't gotten so mad that they didn't talk for a whole month. Lovino had awkwardly apologised eventually.

Feliciano asked if he could pass on the message to his parents (he doubted they'd immediatley ring up since they were not keen on either of their son's same-sex relationships.) Lovino agreed. Before the conversation ended, Lovino said to him: “Don't worry, you and the bastard will be fine.” 

It's what he needed to hear, at least

* * *

 

Gilbert came over the next day.

He'd flown in, and landed in London the next day. They picked him up from the airport.

Ludwig had been startled when Gilbert threw himself at him. He'd muttered things in German, Feliciano assuming that they were comforting words. Ludwig had responded, but asked that Gilbert speak in English from now on, for Feliciano's sake.

He was to stay for a week, so he'd experience Ludwig's next chemo appointment.

Gilbert had asked some questions about the cancer, how Ludwig was doing, but they left a lot of questions unsaid.

They all knew the prognosis.

They'd taken Gilbert out and about and showed him landmarks, and Gilbert paid for a few meals, and they chatted and enjoyed each others company.

Almost as if nothing was wrong.

One day, Ludwig had been completing some paperwork, and had asked for some peace and quiet. Feliciano decided to take Gilbert out to the supermarket for dinner.

It was the frozen fish section where things got deep.

Feliciano had read on the internet that eating a healthy diet was important so even though Ludwig didn't like fish much he was going to introduce it more into their diets because he knew it would keep them healthy.

Gilbert was hovering around him as he debated on mackerel or salmon. "Hey Feliciano- do you think Ludwig is okay? I mean, he's not _okay_ , but mentally, emotionally, that sort of thing. I feel he isn't telling me the whole truth. I don't think he'd want to tell me if he's doing poorly."

Feliciano paused. "I think he is doing well. Well enough, but he’s only had one chemo appointment. But he is more quiet than before, I think because he’s got a lot his mind. He doesn't talk to me as much. He snaps more now. I think he’ll get worse though. But, I've read cancer blogs and books and researched it and this is normal. Apparently."

Gilbert nodded, and ran his fingers through his hair. "God- I can't believe this. He's only 24. My little brother- I could lose him, he's the only family I have left."

Feliciano doubted that Gilbert was directly talking to him, and was saying it to the frozen mackerel; as if trying to voice his thoughts out loud. Still, the words felt like a punch to the gut.

_I could lose him._

It sounded so final.

He and Ludwig hadn't talked about death. Why would they. It was just the beginning of treatment, and Ludwig still seemed fine. They were doing well so far.

But it could change so easily. Ludwig could simply die, just because that’s how the cancer would play out, and there’s nothing that Feliciano could do about it.

Feliciano began sobbing. In the frozen fish isle.

“Oh shit-” Gilbert began, but decided the best thing to do was to simply hug Feliciano.

Feliciano tried to bottle in his emotions, but they poured out.

Eventually, Feliciano finished and they decided that the supermarket was not the most suitable place to have such conversations.

* * *

They settled on coffee in a cafe.

“Sorry- maybe bringing up death in a supermarket isn’t the best thing.” Gilbert sighed sighed.

“No, it's my fault. I know I should be facing the potential reality. But this has all happened so fast…”

“I’ll say.” Gilbert sighed. “I should be okay with death, but Mother was sudden and Grandfather was old. This is…” he trailed off. “How on earth do I deal with it.”

Feliciano flexed his fingers. “I read somewhere that it should be treated as a different type of normal. It makes sense. We just have to deal with it. But, every site says slightly different things, and Ludwig isn’t the sort to open up about how he’s feeling. I’m lost.”

“Ludwig always hated burdening people.” Gilbert stated. He patted Feliciano’s hand. “You’re the primary caregiver here currently. You should go to a support group.”

Feliciano smiled at Gilbert’s concern. “The nearest group meets on a day I work night shifts. I do have contact numbers over the internet.” he said. That was part of the reason. He also didn’t want to stress out Ludwig and make him think that Feliciano was struggling to cope.

Feliciano tried to think he was coping fine.

Gilbert looked up at Feliciano. “Hey, Feli, I’ll read up on this cancer. I want daily updates. I’ll try and get more work off and come over when I next can.”

Feliciano nodded. “Yes, yes. that's good. I can tell Ludwig’s happier you’re here.”

Gilbert beamed.

* * *

In the end, Gilbert had a ‘better’ idea.

Ludwig was scowling. “You cannot stay here. The tenancy is only for two, we had to bend over for the dogs.”

“I’ll rent a room somewhere.”

“What about your job?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll teach here or something.”

Ludwig snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous. You never plan this out. This can’t work, so stop being so foolish!” he shouted.

Gilbert slammed his fist down onto the coffee table. “I’m not being ridiculous. You have cancer for fucks sake! I want to stay here and take care- be here with you! Do you really think I’ll be fine with staying over in Berlin, wondering what on earth is happening to you!” he shouted.

Ludwig stood up. “Yes.” he said. He couldn’t look Gilbert in the eye however. He eventually walked away and locked their bedroom door.

Gilbert’s face was twisted with pain, and he eventually walked out and slammed the door.

Feliciano was left alone.

He agreed with Ludwig, Gilbert couldn’t just abandon his life in Germany so brashly. He had to be reasonable.

But Ludwig was being so cold.

He knew Ludwig. Leave him alone awhile for his rage to die down and then talk. So he cleaned up the remnants of the dinner they had been eating.

So much for family bonding.

Nearing the later evening, he decided now was the time to meet and talk with Ludwig.

“Ludwig, hey, can we talk?” he asked outside the bedroom door. He heard much shuffling, and moving about, before the door opened.

Ludwig looked disheveled, and his slightly red cheeks gave away that he had been crying.

“Ludwig-” he moved in to give Ludwig a hug, but Ludwig moved away and just sat on the bed in silence for a minute. He looked at Feliciano, waiting to see if he was going to say anything, but Feliciano's mind was scrambling, he hadn't expected Ludwig to be this upset, he never usually cried.

Ludwig breathed out. “I know I'm being an arsehole.” he said finally, breaking the silence.

Feliciano immediately went to sit next to Ludwig. “You’re not.”

Ludwig looked away. “Well I feel like one. But- you heard him- he wants to take care of me. He hasn’t done that since we were kids. He shouldn’t have to do that, I’m an adult”

Feliciano couldn’t bear Ludwig’s upset tone. He grasped Ludwig’s hand. “I get it, I know you Ludwig. You don’t like fuss. But- imagine, if you were in our position over one of us, or-” he trailed off. He knew the point he was making, but he was having trouble eloquently saying it. He didn’t want to make it sound like their problems were equal to Ludwig’s. “You would try and make sure we were perfectly cared for.”

Ludwig looked up at him, and sighed, and relaxed into Feliciano's touch. “Yeah, I can get that.” he said. “He can’t stay here though! He can’t just drop everything with no planning.” He protested finally.

“That’s fine Ludwig.” He leant over to kiss Ludwig. He smiled as Ludwig blushed a little bit. He still got flustered at kisses, even after all these years.

“Ludwig, how about we… enjoy ourselves a bit?” he winked playfully. They hadn’t had sex since before the diagnosis.

Ludwig blushed. “I don’t know… I might not be very good.”

“Why not?” he asked.

Ludwig shuffled his feet. “My back hurts. And I haven’t been feeling the... same recently since the chemo.”

“Well, how about I just pleasure you then?” he asked.

Ludwig flushed, and Feliciano knew that to be a yes, and pushed Ludwig gently down so he was lying on his back. Feliciano then undid his trousers, and slowly took the german man into his mouth.

He knew Ludwig was clearly enjoying it, and was trying to hide his pleasured noises.

Ludwig didn't last long. "You don't have to swallow-" he said, but Feliciano ignored him.

Ludwig was sweet, so he insisted on doing the same to Feliciano. Feliciano was terrible at hiding his pleasure, so the room was filled with louder moans.

Feliciano eventually came, and soon he was just panting. They climbed into bed together, and Feliciano started threading his fingers through Ludwig's hair, who seemed to relax into it.

Ludwig pulled out his phone. "I'll just text Gilbert telling him to come home. He's probably gotten drunk somewhere." He said, before they dozed off.

Later, they were awoken by the ringing of a phone.

Ludwig answered it, and soon they were travelling to pick up Gilbert.

They found Gilbert by a lamppost near a pub, leaning by it and crying. Feliciano could easily see Ludwig's guilty look on his face

Gilbert launched himself at Ludwig. “Sorry, sorry, I couldn’t remember the way back.” he slurred. “I love you; love you lots, brother” he slurred and cried

Ludwig smiled and hugged/supported Gilbert's weight. "Love you too, Gilbert. Now, lets come home."

* * *

When they were sober, they smoothed things over. Gilbert accepted that he would have to go back home, but wanted constant updates.

"It's not as if I'm on my own. I have Feliciano." Ludwig had said to his brother.

Feliciano's heart fluttered at that. It was nice to know that Ludwig was accepting that he did have some support.

"And he'll take good care of you, I'm sure of it."

"Of course!" Feliciano chirped, but even he could still see Ludwig's tight lipped scowl.

The trio went to the next chemotherapy appointment together. They chatted, and the four hours went by quite quickly. They even met some of the other cancer patients. An older woman named Petunia was quite chatty, and helped pass the time. Feliciano liked her, even if she didn’t _quite_ get the nature of Ludwig’s and Feliciano’s relationship, consistently describing how _nice_ it was to see _friends_ that supported each-other so much, much to the bemusement of the nurse and Feliciano and Ludwig themselves.

They returned home, and they made some pasta, something sturdy for Ludwig to eat, but he felt tired and only picked at the food, and went to bed early. At least the nausea was gone. Feliciano and Gilbert chatted for a while, but they soon went to bed.

Feliciano was up first.

He had been the first one to get up since Ludwig’s first chemo appointment, and although he could never say he was a morning person, he was coping well with the change. He had to.

He eventually heard Ludwig enter the shower halfway through making breakfast, and was glad.

As he served up the bacon and eggs.

“Hello” Ludwig said awkwardly. He turned around and smiled at him.

The trio sat down for breakfast.

"How do you feel Ludwig?" He asked Ludwig.

"Fine, I mean, I guess." He shrugged. "My hair... A clump came out in the shower."

Feliciano paused. "Oh." They knew this was going to happen sometime.

"I want to shave it. I'd rather it all off now than it going patchy."

Feliciano nodded. "Hmm."

"I can do it. With some electric shavers." Gilbert offered.

Ludwig smirked. "Hmm, for some reason I don't trust you to do it."

Gilbert gasped in mock offence. "i'll have you know, I shaved my friends Francis's hair when he lost a bet!"

"Again, not exactly comforting."

Eventually, they persuaded Ludwig and pushed him into the bathroom and onto the toilet seat. Gilbert set about turning on the razor on, and Feliciano watched as the first strands of Ludwig’s blonde hair disappeared and fell in front of his face.

It was a strange situation, and Feliciano thought he’d never be in it.

“Why don’t I give you a mohican like you had that one time when you were younger was it 15?” Gilbert suggested.

Feliciano laughed. “I saw that photo, it's very cute!”

Ludwig flushed. “That was one time- and _don’t gilbert,_ for fuck’s sake-”

Gilbert ignored him. “You gave me the power” he cackled, a wicked grin across his face, and Feliciano laughed more, as Gilbert had already set about shaving the sides, and had left a blonde fuzzy mess in the middle. “Feliciano, do you have any gel?” Gilbert asked.

Feliciano grinned, and handed him a pot. Ludwig grumbled as Gilbert set about putting little spikes into the hair, though it didn’t really work due to the shortness of the hair.

He pulled Ludwig in front of the mirror in their bathroom. “What do you think?” he asked.

Ludwig initially scowled, “don’t quit your day job”, he replied, but his scowl was forced and was turning into a smile at the ridiculousness of the hairstyle, and he let out a few, small laughs.

“It looks great, Ludwig, why did you ever abandon this hairstyle in the first place?” Feliciano teased sarcastically.

Ludwig tried to force back the smile on his face. “At least when I originally had it done it was better than this. Come on, shave it off now Gilbert.”

“First, a picture!” Feliciano said, and forced the other two into a small selfie with the hairstyle, Ludwig still attempting to look more angry than he was.

Although it was just a selfie on his iPhone, Feliciano realised it was the first picture he'd taken since the prognosis. Taking it, even if it was just a simple jokey photo, did bring a sense of joy, of some familiar.

After this photo, the mohican had to go, and it soon joined the rest of the blonde hair on the floor. A short respite of laughter, but the mood somehow just got less jolly when they completed the haircut.

It was startling how different Ludwig looked to Feliciano with a fully shaven head. He’d always known Ludwig to have the same hairstyle, either slicked back or loose in front of his face.

It hit him that Ludwig would probably change, and maybe more than just physically, because of this cancer.

He wasn't sure how to deal with that.

* * *

Gilbert gave Ludwig one last hug before he left to go into the terminal. "Call me if you need me, and I can jump on a plane at any time." Ludwig opened his mouth to protest. _"It's no big deal."_

"Ok." Ludwig said finally.

Gilbert gave Feliciano a hug. "And you, please also keep in contact." He said.

Feliciano smiled. "Of course!"

"See you, Ludwig, Feliciano." he said, and disappeared into the throng of people in Heathrow.

Ludwig gave a wave. Ludwig had sighed as they got into the car to drive back.

"Hey, it doesn't matter too much. We'all see him again soon!" He stated to Ludwig, who looked a little bit pained at that. Feliciano immediately regretted saying that, and went quiet. He tried to change the subject. "Hey Ludwig, I haven't been taking photos recently, but can I start again?" He said quietly. "And by that, I mean can I still take pictures of you?" It seemed so personal now, to take pictures of Ludwig like this. He had to be sure Ludwig was comfortable with it.

Feliciano still wanted the memories, the snapshots, no matter what.

Ludwig's lips pursed. "You can take pictures of whatever you want. I don't have to see them if I don't want to."

Feliciano nodded. "Thanks, Ludwig." He said, and smiled slightly, leaning over to give the german a kiss on the cheek, who blushed slightly at the gesture. Still shy and awkward. At least some things stayed the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it it :3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fem Japan is Sakura.

Feliciano never actually felt like cancer became another sort of normal, like the books implied he would.

A few days after Gilbert left, Ludwig had been silent throughout the whole day, as if something was bugging him. Feliciano had immediately tried to weasel it out of him, but Ludwig was stubborn, and seemed intent of not showing weakness again.

He caught Ludwig looking in the bathroom mirror rather internally that evening.

"Anything wrong?" He pestered again.

Ludwig had been startled, and looked conflicted whether to reveal whatever was on his mind, then seemed to relent. "It's... Do you think I look... Thuggish with no hair?" He asked, smoothing over the top of his head in embarrassment.

Feliciano was surprised. Ludwig didn't seem to ever care much about the way he looked, just as long as he looked smart, and he didn't know what to say. "Um, not really?" , but Feliciano began to think about it. Ludwig did look different, and apparently people found him intimidating anyway, despite the fact he was as sweet as pie. However, without hair, maybe a stranger would find him more intimidating, more... _Thuggish_

But why would he tell Ludwig that?

Ludwig had shrugged. "It doesn't matter." He muttered, a bit annoyed, and Feliciano wondered if he said something wrong. He seemed to feel the cold easier, and just wore a beanie hat outside anyway.

If the books meant that he'd process the situation without little question, then it was correct. But this didn't feel _normal_. It didn't feel normal to see Ludwig picking at food, when he was usually such a hearty eater. Ludwig waking up after Feliciano left for work felt weird, and Ludwig didn't go for jogs anymore, and he didn't walk the dogs as far which meant Feliciano took them on a second walk at night.

But, he got on with it. There was really nothing else he could do.

Feliciano started to take photos again. Of the food, of the weather, of Ludwig. He'd taken a snap of them outside the hospital on the way for their next chemotherapy appointment. Ludwig was not smiling, but didn't really protest.

It was a nearly two months after their first diagnosis when Sakura called.

"I'd love to visit, but only if you're happy with it."

"No, of course you can visit! You can bring Arthur with you if you want!"

Sakura fumbled on the line. "Yes, well he said he'd come with me if I wanted and if he could. I would like you to meet him."

Feliciano chirped happily. Sakura had been their Japanese friend from university, studying with Feliciano and part of the international students network with them. She was a calm, sweet presence, and the three became friends; Ludwig just happy that there was someone _sane_ on Feliciano's course.

She lived in London but went on conference trips overseas a lot. She had wanted to see them as soon as Ludwig had told them about his diagnosis but was in Japan at the time. But now she could visit, and bring her new boyfriend with her.

"Hey Ludwig, Sakura will visit soon with Arthur. Isn't that great!?" Feliciano said to Feliciano happily.

Ludwig looked up from the paperwork he had been filling out. "Oh, yeah."

Feliciano smiled. "It's good, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Ludwig replied apathetically.

"You are fine with it, aren't you!? I don't want Sakura to come over and make you feel uncomfortable, or-"

"I'm fine with it, Feliciano, stop pestering me" He snapped.

Feliciano let it go. Maybe he _was_ treating Ludwig too delicately, but he wanted to be sure.

* * *

Sakura and Arthur came round a few days later.

They hosted a dinner party, and Feliciano made the main meal, a fish dish, whilst Ludwig made a cake for dessert, just a simple chocolate one. It looked great, and if felt sort of like how it was  _before_ the diagnosis, just making cakes.

A knock came at the door. Feliciano answered it. "Hello, Sakura! And you must be Arthur!" He said enveloping Sakura into a hug and then shaking Arthur's hand.

"Hello, Ludwig." Sakura said and smiled as Ludwig came into the room.

"Hello, Sakura." He said.

Sakura paused as she looked at Ludwig, and Feliciano could tell she was thinking of something to say. "I... Hope that you are... Well." She asked.

Ludwig just nodded. "I'm doing fine." He said, with a detached tone, and not looking at her face.

Sakura nodded, and the four ended up chit chatting over food.

It began to feel like normal, like there wasn't something _wrong_ , like they were just friends who were meeting again. Which they were, but no one wanted to really discuss the elephant in the room. But they had a lot to talk about, from university stories to work, to discussions of politics to finiding out how Arthur and Sakura got together,

"And then I asked if she would like to go to dinner, and for whatever reason she agreed." Arthur said, smiling softly.

"Ah, yes, and we've been together ever since." Sakura said, softly, and kissed him on the cheek, both blushing, but Arthur's lips turned into a smile.

"Aw, I think you're really cute together, you suit eachother" Feliciano said. And they were. Sakura and Arthur were cute together, they suited each other.

Arthur blushed at the comment. "Well, yes- I mean, we're suited to each other, not that we're cute- I think anyway. Or, I mean, we're - I mean- this meal is very good" he said finally.

Sakura smirked. "That compliment doesn't mean much, since Arthur has no sense of taste." She said flatly.

"Sakura!" Arthur protested. Ludwig and Feliciano turned to grin at eachohter.

Feliciano lifted up his camera. "Pictures, pictures!"

Feliciano lifted up his camera, and a few more pictures were taken.

* * *

"But, is the treatment working?" Sakura stated.

The air grew silent. Ludwig had been answering a few questions on the treatment. It was mainly how long it took, how long was he going to have to go on it for, but Sakura asked a question that they had tried to ignore.

Ludwig just shrugged. "We don't know yet. It's too early."

Sakura stilled. "I see."

Feliciano paused. _What if the treatment wasn't working?_  Was Ludwig going through all of this for nothing? He quickly pushed those thoughts out of his head as Sakura seemed to think it was best to move on.

They ended up drinking a few beers and such, and Feliciano made sure that Ludwig only had two at the most, but Arthur seemed to not be able to hold his alcohol very well and it was decided the night should come to an end.

He'd grasped Ludwig's hand. "Very nice to meet you; I hope we meet under better circumstances." He'd slurred.

"Ah, you too." Ludwig had replied, looking awkward.

Sakura continued to try and bundle Arthur out the door. "We must meet up- and if you need anything- someone to watch the dogs, accompaniment to the hospital, call me, and I'll help, or Arthur will."

Feliciano gave Sakura a hug. "Of course, thank you!"

Sakura smiled and then the pair left.

Later, as they went to bed, Feliciano gave Ludwig a kiss on the cheek. "It was nice seeing Sakura, wasn't it? And Arthur was nice too."

"Mmm, we should see them again" Ludwig murmured, but he was soon out like a light. He got so tired easily, and Feliciano missed the pillow talk sessions they had about their days, their lives, but Ludwig rarely went to bed at the same time as Feliciano anymore anyway.

Feliciano settled down, and listened to the sound of Ludwig's breathing. It was nice, and rhythmic, and he re-ran the day inside his head. Sakura and Arthur had been great, and he considered today to be a success. However, he realised that it was getting more and more difficult to talk about the cancer with Ludwig, who disliked any discussions on the matter, and was getting more snappy on the matter. And he wasn't sure how to fix it.


	4. Chapter 4

Ludwig was more quiet than usual.

Since being diagnosed, he had been quiet. But this was more quiet. Instead of a simple lack of desire to make conversations, Ludwig seemed to be more disconnected, especially after his last chemotherapy appointment. He told Gilbert this, and Gilbert had asked him to probe a bit more. "Please, for me. He'll probably rebuff you at first but he will open up to you."

Feliciano agreed, but he was nervous to try and approach the subject.

"Ludwig, how are you?" He asked, whenever he got home from work.

"Mm." Was the reply that he obtained today.

The pair had eaten dinner as normal. They had flicked through TV channels, whilst Ludwig read a novel. Feliciano eventually left the silence to wash up, but kept casually glancing at Ludwig, who was blankly staring at the book he was reading, and only rarely turned a page.

"Ludwig, are you okay?" He asked.

Ludwig stirred, and snapped back to reality. "Of course." He said, and wandered over to Feliciano. "Do you want some help with the plates?" He asked, and Feliciano nodded.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room, and Feliciano didn't know what to say. Strange for him, he was known as a chatterbox, but he didn't want to upset Ludwig.

"Ludwig..." He began to ask the blonde man who was drying the plates. "Maybe you should go to one of those support groups-"

"I don't want to go and talk about my feelings with a bunch of strangers."

Feliciano paused. "Then maybe just the psychologist in the hospital-"

"Just the same" Ludwig snapped.

Feliciano tried to keep himself calm and not get upset at the tone of Ludwig's voice. "But maybe you should talk with someone who understands better than me." He placed his hand on Ludwig's own and was glad when Ludwig didn't pull away, but the German man still evaded looking at Feliciano. "It's normal to feel-"

Ludwig pulled his hand away. "This isn't normal. _This isn't fucking normal._ You treat me like I'm glass, like I'm weak, and I hate it!"

Feliciano couldn't help but feel the tears well up. "Ludwig, I'm sorry-"

"Stop apologising for everything! Stop everything. Can't I be left alone for a bit without you pestering me about how I feel!?" Ludwig snapped, and walked over to the bedroom, where he slammed the door.

Feliciano was left alone. He wasn't sure what to do now, but in the end he just grabbed his coat and left the house.

The tears streamed down his face. It was bitterly cold out, which made the tears sting even more, but Feliciano kept walking. He eventually found himself in the park.

He collapsed onto the bench. Feliciano shivered. It was freezing, but he couldn't return yet, not when he was this upset. He knew better than to break down in front of Ludwig, that's what the books said, emotional talks should involve both parties, not just one.

Who was He trying to kid. Feliciano was a failure. He had tried so hard make sure Ludwig was happy and safe and felt loved throughout this whole experience, but Ludwig was sad and angry and was pushing Feliciano away. He cried harder. Ludwig had always been there for him, and he was failing so badly when Ludwig needed him most. And he wasn't even sure if Ludwig needed him. He was probably just a nuisance.

The trees rattled with the wind, and Feliciano shuddered some more. It was way too cold to stay out long, and he hadn't brought a scarf. He thought about his options, but realised the best option was to find a coffee shop in the train station.

* * *

Feliciano drank the coffee meekly. None of the coffee shops were open at this time of night in this small train station, which he supposed he should've guessed; so he went for a McDonalds coffee instead.

It was weak and tasteless, but it was warm, and Feliciano let himself calm down.

He tapped his foot, wondering if he should call Ludwig, when he realised that he didn't have his phone because he left in such a rush. Cursing at his own stupidity, he beamoned not even being able to play an app to pass the time.

He absently waited in McDonald's for 10 minutes. He was getting ready to walk back when he heard the door open again.

It was _Ludwig_ , and he immediately a tried forward to greet Feliciano.

"Feliciano- oh god, I found you." Ludwig stammered. He looked so _cold_. 

"Ludwig, you didn't need to come and find me, I'm all right." He said inwardly fretting because of the temperature, as Ludwig should not be out when it was this cold and he was this sick. 

Ludwig walked over and grasped his hands, in a tender move, but Ludwig's hands were icy and it made Feliciano flinch a little. "I was worried, and I'm sorry." Ludwig said. "I didn't really mean the words I said or the way I said them."

Feliciano nodded, but couldn't help but feel unease at Ludwig's apology. Ludwig was worrying about him.

Feliciano went to fetch Ludwig a coffee because his lips were blue, and he looked tired. "Ludwig, you shouldn't have come after me, it's too cold." He said. 

Ludwig glanced up at him. "I shouldn't have chased you out, _it's too cold._ " He retorted back.

Feliciano paused. "Ludwig- I'm really sorry-"

Ludwig cut him off by cupping his face, and then re-grasped Feliciano's hands, but tighter. "Please don't apologise, it is me. I'm trying to handle this on my own, because I just can't bear other people trying to help me or interfere with my life. But, I just feel so _awful_ all the time. I feel drained and tired and nauseous and achey. I don't feel like _me_ anymore. That makes me feel so.... Sad, I guess. I'm just sick of it." He had been looking at their hands, and glanced up at Feliciano. "I just want this all to _stop_ now, I want it to be _over_." he admitted.

Feliciano felt his heart break. "L-Ludwig, I-" he wanted to cry. But he knew he shouldn't. "Don't give up now Ludwig-"

"I'm not giving up." Ludwig immediately cut accross. "I'll keep going forward. I'm sick of it but I'm not gonna stop. And maybe" Ludwig sighed, and looked at the floor "Maybe I do need some sort of outlet or something. I'm clearly not coping here." He admitted, and Feliciano was surprised by such an admission.

Feliciano moved his chair around the table to be able to lean into Ludwig. "Please just tell me that you're feeling bad. I can understand more than you think. It doesn't annoy me to see you sad." He didn't know how, but he'd try. "I know you're worried that I'm emotionally not strong but I can still help even though I'm not strong."

Ludwig smiled a bit. "I'll try to remember that." he said. "But, you are strong. You've not complained once to me, you've just dealt with it. And I feel bad that I'm not the easiest to talk to. I know that. I'll make more of an effort."

Feliciano smiled. "Oh, Ludwig. I think I often feel like crying too much."

Ludwig shook his head. "In this situation, I'm not expecting superman, Feliciano. I'm expecting my _boyfriend_. You can cry if you want to." he said.

Feliciano looked at him in shock. Ludwig was validating his sadness. They walked out of the door, and Feliciano buried his head into Ludwig's shoulder, and let a few tears flow. It was the first time he'd cried in front of Ludwig since the diagnosis. Ludwig comforted him, and although it was sad, Feliciano felt huge relief.

* * *

"Hey Ludwig, I'll pick you up in an hour."

"Mm." Ludwig replied. He didn't look overly keen to be at the hospital. But Feliciano insisted that he try out a support meeting. So there they were, at the hospital entrance. "You're not going to wait around for me, are you?" He asked, concerned.

"No, I'm going to look for a new winter coat in town." He replied. He didn't really need to buy one now, his old one was fine but shopping always put his mind at rest somewhat and he knew Ludwig hated the idea of him waiting around for him so he had to find something to do.

And so he did. He went around shopping for a new winter coat, and found many he liked before settling on one. It, surprisingly, was not the most expensive one. Maybe Ludwig had rubbed off on him. Maybe expensive clothes just didn't matter much to him anymore.

Out of the corner or his eye, he spotted a new coat, a heavier double breasted one. It would look great on Ludwig he mused. _Although Ludwig was a little thinner now, the large would still fit him though, wouldn't it?_ He hastily made the purchase.

Eventually it was time to pick up Ludwig. He was keen to be there early. Ludwig being sick and given Feliciano a good kick up he backside and he had felt and he now endeavored to be on time. and so Ludwig emerged from the doors. He walked up to the car door.

"How was it?" Feliciano asked as Ludwig moved into the car

Ludwig shrugged. "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We just talked about how we were feeling, how treatment was going and all, and then just chatted about other things not related to cancer.” he said. "Life goes on, I suppose."

"That's good, Ludwig!"

Ludwig shrugged. “I guess. I felt so awkward.” He gave Feliciano a smile though, and even if it was forced, it was a start.

Baby steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're reaching the mid-way point!


	5. Chapter 5

Christmas time with cancer was inherently depressing, but it could still be a good time of year, and Feliciano was sure of it, and he was determined to make if happen.

Ludwig had dismissed any ideas of anything to big.. "I just want as normal a christmas as possible." he said, but even he didn't really know what normal was.

They were to have a relaxed christmas at home, as Ludwig had a chemo appointment the day before Christmas eve and so travelling around on chemo would be hell on earth. Gilbert was going to fly over soon, which Feliciano was glad about, as he always cheered Ludwig up with his phone-calls (even if Ludwig tried to pretend he found his brother annoying.) But Feliciano himself was admittedly most  _excited_ that Lovino would also spend christmas with them, as he hadn't seen his twin since last christmas.

Feliciano had picked him up from the airport on his own. Ludwig was having a meeting at the university, over some research, that he had been looking forward to for weeks because it was something different.

“Well, this flat is dustier since I last came here.” Had been Lovino’s first utterance when he had walked in their door. And feliciano looked around, and he realised with everything going on that the normally impeccable flat (Ludwig had strict standards) was looking a little shabby.

Feliciano had apologised. “Sorry, Ludwig and I have been busy, and Ludwig usually keeps on top of things but I try and do more now but I guess I'm not as on point as him.”

"Sorry, that was rude of me.” Lovino stated regretfully, and Feliciano was grateful that maybe Lovino was taking extra care to be a bit more sensitive. Lovino went to the sink and pulled out a cloth from under it, and _immediately_ started dusting. Feliciano was surprised, Lovino _hated_ cleaning as he had taken a cleaning job for that one summer to get a little extra money. He called that the worst summer ever.

“So, how’re you and your boyfriend?” Feliciano asked, helping Lovino bring the house up to Ludwig's previous standards. He knew Lovino and his boyfriend had been going out for half a year now, but he hadn’t heard his brother mention him in ages.

Lovino flinched. “Oh, we broke up.”

Feliciano’s eyes widened. “What!? Why? And you didn’t tell me!?”

Lovino shrugged. “It wasn’t important. He was a dick. I think he wanted someone to have sex with constantly without paying.”

“Um… really?”

 “Yeah.” Lovino muttered, and Feliciano could see he was more upset than he let on, so Feliciano gave him a hug.

“Still should’ve told me.”

"Yeah, but my shit doesn’t matter compared to the shit you have with Ludwig. I knew I didn’t love him anyway, so its no big deal.”

Feliciano looked a bit upset. Maybe when he’d talk about Ludwig on the phone, Lovino felt a bit inconsequential. As it was, Feliciano had become preoccupied with Ludwig that maybe he’d ignored how life went on outside of the cancer bubble. “No, I should’ve asked earlier. Your stuff _does_ matter, Lovino! You matter and I care.”

Lovino smiled a bit, and gave the whole tale of his relationship, and how it ended. Feliciano thought the guy sounded emotionally abusive; but Lovino shrugged it off. “Honestly, I feel better after a few months without him.” and smiled, a rare genuine Lovino smile, which comforted Feliciano a bit. “I’ve also been thinking about quitting my job soon.”

“Your job?”

“I've worked since I was eighteen. I'm now twenty-five, single and _bored_. I want to to go on a trip around the world and discover myself or some shit, its cliche as hell but I want some exciting experience. Do some work out there or something.”

Feliciano smiled. “Sounds great!” He said. “You'd be so far away…”

Lovino stopped scrubbing, but pulled Feliciano into a hug. “I wouldn't go anytime soon. Not made any plans yet, it's just an idea. I wouldn't go until I knew Ludwig was okay.” He said, and Feliciano appreciated his thoughtfulness.

They discussed about this trip whilst they got back to cleaning. and eventually they heard the door go to signal that Ludwig had returned. He came, and flopped down on the sofa in exhaustion, and pulled off the beanie.

Ludwig looked around after coming round to Feliciano’s greetings. “It's clean.”

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious.” Lovino had replied from the kitchen and walked to the sofa.

Ludwig sighed. “Sorry, I forgot you were here.” He stood up and shook Lovino’s hand.

Lovino grimaced, as if annoyed by the coldness of that action, and pulled him into a hug. Ludwig was clearly surprised. “Nice to see you, Ludwig.” Lovino stated, and Feliciano was appreciative.

Gilbert had come over the next day, and they were to spend the weekend of Christmas together until new years.

It was a good time. Lovino and Gilbert seemed to get on well, which was a good thing, because they hadn't met before and Ludwig had feared they would get on each-others nerves. They did, it seemed, but in a way that indicate they were purposefully winding the other up sort of way.

They went to a Christmas market, and Ludwig and Gilbert both sniped that they weren’t as good as the ones in Germany and Lovino was annoyed at the constant complaining and wandered off and got lost in the crowd with his phone off. They eventually asked a police officer for help and they found him getting coffee, and Lovino was embarrassed to say the least as the police officer thought they were talking about a _child_. Ludwig and Gilbert had laughed, hard at that, but Feliciano was relieved that Lovino was okay.

It felt so relaxed, even normal, like Ludwig didn't have cancer, they were just a strange rag-tag family having some fun. Even when Ludwig discussed with Gilbert how everything progressed, and how he was feeling worse, and how this couldn't be _normal_ , but they didn’t dwell on it until Ludwig’s chemo appointment before christmas eve.

Lovino left the trio to it, not wanting to intrude; and Ludwig came home feeling okay initially, but the next day on christmas eve he was feeling tired and dozed throughout most of the day and wouldn’t eat much at all, which was strange even for Ludwig-on-chemo, which made Feliciano worried, and also glad he postponed the meal until christmas day.

At christmas, they group of four settled down to eat and Ludwig thankfully had something of an appetite and energy. They ate their blended Italian-German meals that the four helped make.

They soon gave out presents. “Merry Christmas!” Gilbert had said cheerily and had bought Ludwig a set of books on German car engineering.

Now, Feliciano loved Ludwig but he couldn't help but dread Ludwig excitingly telling him new facts from the books. Facts about Engineering. On  _cars_. How _boring_.

Feliciano had bought Ludwig the new coat, and Ludwig seemed very appreciative.

Ludwig had given a large box, and it contained a new camera, one that he’d been eyeing up for ages, but forgot about after he was diagnosed. “Gosh Ludwig, thank you, you’re beyond sweet! It was expensive…” He was so happy and he’d showered Ludwig with kisses, who tried to push the italian off of him but Feliciano could see him grinning under his touch. They then just chilled and watched television and even played a board game, before going to bed.

It was a nice Christmas, one that was very relaxed, and it was nice to have the two siblings here. Feliciano did know that if it wasn’t for Ludwig’s illness, this christmas might be different, as both siblings wouldn’t be there and Feliciano and Ludwig would probably visit a home country, but it was still relatively normal. Feliciano could say he even felt happy, relaxed, and worry-free, for at least a day.

Feliciano and Ludwig went to bed, and they held each-other in their arms, whispering sweet nothings. Feliciano felt so content like this.

“I had a good christmas” Ludwig murmured, nearly dropping off to sleep.

“The same, Ludwig.” he said, and held Ludwig closer. They almost went to sleep, but the were awoken by a slight thumping. Feliciano was confused to what it was, but then he heard a slight moan. His brothers moan. Followed by Gilbert’s.

Ludwig groaned. “Why are they hooking up. This is just awkward.” he muttered angrily.

“Hey, it's christmas, love is in the air!”

“I think Gilbert’s just horny.”

“It might be that too.”

Ludwig smirked and eventually chuckled, and Feliciano did too, as they could hear some fervent shushing as if they knew  
they might be able to hear. at settled down to sleep, and eventually the thumping quitened.

\--

To give Gilbert and Lovino’s credit, they acted well as though nothing happened last night, although Lovino blushed when Ludwig pointedly asked if they enjoyed last night. Gilbert had said it was a great night which only earned a glare from Lovino. Despite that, the holiday continued as normal, and Feliciano got the idea it was just a casual hookup. New Years was much the same as Christmas, but with more alcohol, but they all eat he'd what they drank because there was no way Ludwig was getting drunk and it would be unfair otherwise. They went to bed soon after, and Ludwig and Feliciano had some oral sex, which had been the first time in a while. They also heard Lovino and Gilbert having some fun, again.

It was a great time. Soon Ludwig had his next chemo appointment upcoming at them like a disruptive train, and Lovino and Gilbert left to go back to work as a chef and teacher. Gilbert had stated that he was sure that the next time they saw each-other, it was going to be good news, and Ludwig had only said he hoped so.

Feliciano also saw Gilbert and Lovino exchange numbers; and he had cheerfully told Ludwig, who had a face of concern, but eventually laughed it off.

The next two chemo appointments came and went. Ludwig got through as he always did, with a lot of sleep and light foods; but Feliciano knew that Ludwig was reaching the end of this rope with the treatment.

Luckily, those were Ludwig’s last appointments. They could now get what they'd all been hoping for, information on the cancer, which was hopefully going to be good news.

\---

Feliciano could tell Ludwig was nervous.

“Hey, just remember, I love you, whatever they say in that room?”

Ludwig smiled at that, but he couldn't stop tapping his fingers nervously on his lap.

The day had come.

To find out whether or not the treatment had worked.

“Mr beillscmidt?” And they were called in, and Feliciano gave his hand a squeeze.

They met their doctor, and the doctor awkwardly smiled. “I'm going to be blunt. The cancer has not reacted to the chemotherapy much at all. Some initial progress with the tumour seems to have reversed. I'm sorry.”

Feliciano opened his mouth to speak as he felt Ludwig tighten his hold on the hand. His chest was tight. He didn't know what to say. Feliciano couldn't help but feel angry. This was all for nothing. But the anger wouldn't come out of him, it was being washed over by a sense of numbness.

“The only choice we have now is surgery to remove the tumor, otherwise I can calculate your life expectancy to be around, oh, six months.”

Ludwig and Feliciano looked at each-other. They knew what the surgery implied. Surgery was always an option, but it was deemed too risky, and the chemotherapy should've reduced the tumour by now.

Ludwig looked at the doctor, trying to be strong, and Feliciano was so proud of him, holding himself together, but Felliciano couldn't speak anymore. “And…” Ludwig prompted.

“We can get you in in two weeks. That is, if you want the surgery. The odds can't really be calculated, with a cancer this rare, but there's a smaller chance of surviving the operation than surviving. So, not high, but still a chance, or I wouldn't be offering it.”

Ludwig nodded. “I will definitely take the chance.”

Their doctor smiled.

The arrangements were made.

There was now a countdown.

A countdown to life, or death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the chapter! As always, I love feedback!


	6. Chapter 6

“Well, you're making the right choice.” Feliciano told Ludwig in bed. An early night for them both.

“Am I? Should I be taking the chance to live my life for the next six months instead of throwing it away in two weeks?” Ludwig spat.

Feliciano paused. “I-”

“Not a high chance of survival.”

Feliciano stroked Ludwig's arms soothingly.. “Six months, two weeks- it's all just time.”

“You can't say that- you don't understand, I might not have any time left.”

“You're right. I suppose I can't say anything.” Feliciano said, tears forming in his eyes. “But two weeks can be just as meaningful as six months. The amount doesn't matter- I mean it does, but I'm being selfish and I want the chance.”

Ludwig didn't respond for a while, then turned to Feliciano. “As long as I'm with you, then it doesn't matter.”

Feliciano smiled, and the two cradled eachother for the rest of the night.

* * *

 

Sunday afternoon.

“Ludwig, is there anything you want to do these next few weeks?”

Ludwig didn't answer, but Feliciano could tell he wanted to.

“Ludwig…?” He prompted.

“It's too much hassle.”

“I'll decide when you tell me.”

Ludwig scratched his head, and admitted defeat and sighed. “I want to go home to Germany.”

Feliciano nodded. “I assumed that to be the case.”

Feliciano gained holiday time off work.

Work was always sympathetic, and Feliciano was grateful. Whether or not it was just so management could tick a box on how progressive they are, sending the gay lovers off on a farewell tour, or they genuinely did care, he didn't know, and he didn't care.

They left their dogs in the care of Arthur and Sakura, who had decided to start avoiding the draining lifestyle of commuting around the world and had settled down just outside London. They boarded the flight to Germany. It was ok, but the experience made Ludwig repeatedly sick. Even if he was off chemotherapy, the movement affected his queasy stomach. The cabin crew, after realising that Ludwig had cancer, continuously checked up on the couple, and whilst the gesture was nice, all Ludwig wanted was a peaceful trip across to Europe, not constant questions on how he was. Even Feliciano started to get annoyed at their constant pesterings.

They eventually landed, thank goodness, and then Gilbert picked them up.

He was clearly ecstatic at the pair being there, and it lifted Feliciano’s mood considerably when the albino spun Feliciano around, and then hugged his brother. “Let’s go to my home, guys!” hes said cheerily. Ludwig seemed to purse his lips, with a grimace on his face when Gilbert constantly chattered, as if he was slightly annoyed. Feliciano couldn’t help but be slightly confused, wasn’t Ludwig happy to be in Germany, at least slightly?

Ludwig later turned to Feliciano, alone in the spare bedroom of Gilbert’s flat. “He's forcing the excitement.” He had said.

“No he's not- how can you tell?”

“He's not relaxing- he's just going a hundred percent. Like he’s pretending that this is a normal family trip.” Ludwig had muttered.

Feliciano gave him a hug. “Hey, talk to him, if you think that’s true.”

Gilbert would come back with them, to the UK, for the operation. Feliciano did notice that Gilbert seemed to avoid the topic. He just said that he’d come home with them and that was it.

Most of their days were spent relaxing, going for short walks and taking in the fresh air.

Gilbert was cheery throughout, and being very supportive.

“I suppose it's nice for you to come here, you don't know when you'll be back to Germany next!” Gilbert had said, and Ludwig just looked pained.

The more Feliciano observed Gilbert, he realised that Ludwig was right. Gilbert was in denial. He mentioned the operation but not the fact that Ludwig’s chances weren’t exactly great. Not the fact that Ludwig could be dead in a week and a bit.

Feliciano just wished they'd talk to each other. It was making the mood more tense with them treading on eggshells around each other.

“Gilbert, I want to visit Mother’s and Grandfather's graves today” Ludwig had said one day.

Gilbert had nodded, and they drove to the cemetery where the two were buried. They visited the grandfather, then ludwig’s and Gilbert's mother.

“I wish I could've met them both” Feliciano said, as Gilbert and Ludwig left the cemetery and joined him outside in the car park. He'd left the pair to have a quiet contemplation about their childhood, and hoping that they'd discuss the possibility of death Since they were in a cemetery. It made sense, after all.

He didn’t get the vibe that conversation had occurred, after Gilbert started the car and started babbling about a new film they could go see. Ludwig was sitting in the passenger seat, and hadn't said much, but he looked conflicted. Eventually, he raised his voice. “I didn't think I was bothered, but after visiting Grandfather and Mother today, I'd like to be buried in Germany near them.”

Gilbert slammed down on the brakes and pulled over. He wasn't saying anything.

Feliciano felt awful, and the tension was so thick, that it could be cut with a knife. He also felt sick. If Ludwig died, he'd have to organise his funeral. A funeral. “I'll try my best to sort that out.” He croaked.

Ludwig turned to him to smile at him, but looked back at Gilbert, who was gripping the steering wheel tightly.

Ludwig opened and closed his mouth, trying to find words to end the tense silence, but nothing coming out. “Gilbert, I-”

“Stop talking like you're going to die, it's going to bring bad karma-”

“-Gilbert, don't be ridiculous-”

“Fuck off, you stop being ridiculous! You seem so calm about it all. Feli seems so calm about it all. It's nothing to be calm about! You seem to accept that you're going to die! Well, you can't, I won't allow it!”

 _You seem so calm about it all, but, I’m not._  That's how Feliciano had felt, but then realised Ludwig wasn't, that's how Ludwig had felt, and now Gilbert felt it. Everyone thought the other was coping better than they were.

“Gilbert-”

“I was always the reckless one! I'm the older brother! _I_ should be the one dying, _not you_!”

Ludwig looked genuinely taken aback, and then slapped his brother across the face.

Feliciano flinched. He'd hoped for a heart to heart, not a fight. He wanted to intervene, but didn’t know how, and decided to leave them to it.

Gilbert himself was stunned, a red mark forming on his cheek.

Ludwig looked regretful. “Sorry, I'm sorry.” There was a pause.

“It doesn't matter.”

Ludwig paused. “It does matter.”

“Apology accepted.”

Ludwig gripped Gilbert’s shoulders. “You can't say that. I wouldn't want you in my position, so don't you dare even suggest it.”

Gilbert flinched. “Sorry.”

“I'm not calm, I'm internally all over the place!” He snapped. “But… Things just happen. I can't change this.”

“Ludwig, I can't bear the thought of you dying. I feel like I'm fucking exploding just thinking about it.”

Ludwig nodded, but Feliciano could see the tears prick his boyfriend’s eyes. Feliciano wanted to console him, but in this moment, Gilbert needed to.

Gilbert eventually pulled Ludwig into a hug. “I'm sorry- I never deal with things well- as proven many, many times before- I just love you so much-” he cried. “ _This isn’t fucking fair.”_

 _It isn’t_ , Feliciano agreed with Gilbert. _It really isn’t._ Gilbert and Ludwig continued to hold eachohter, awkwardly as they were still in the front of the car, but it was a tender scene. Feliciano almost cried at relief of the situation.

Gilbert didn't let go of Ludwig though. “But, there is a chance.”

“There is.”

“I'm still going to hold onto that.”

Ludwig paused. “Okay.”

Gilbert grinned.

\---

That night, Feliciano realised it was a week before the operation.

A week before Ludwig’s life lay on an operating table.

Feliciano, in bed, kissed Ludwig on the lips. “I love you, so much, and forever.” he kissed Ludwig on the cheek. “And ever.” he kissed him on his bald head. “And ever.” the nose. “And ever.” he began to kiss Ludwig all over, repeating the phrase over and over.

Ludwig was turning red, and was laughing slightly. “Feliciano-” he protested, but as cut off by a short kiss to the lips again. Feliciano began to giggle like a child as Ludwig began to protest the bombardment, and eventually Feliciano relented. “And ever.” he kissed Ludwig on the lips again, fully this time.

Ludwig red-faced smiled had not ceased, and looked at Feliciano. “And I the same.” Ludwig said, but his face darkened, and he looked at his face in concern. “But, in the event of my death, you'll move on, right?”

Feliciano opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

“I know you Feliciano. You'd keep a promise of love out of loyalty and the idea that you owe someone something. You'd pine after a childhood sweetheart you hadn't seen in years if you felt they might return.”

Feliciano didn't reply.

“You don't owe me anything.”

“I do-” Feliciano began to protest.

“You don't. This is now. And I love you. But I might not be here. And you need to make sure you have a future.”

“A future? But I can't imagine one without you!” He cried. All the pent up emotions, came flooding out. “You can't ask me to plan ahead!”

“I'm not asking for a _plan_ -”

“Then what!? I'm not that shallow to forget you a week after you died.”

“I didn't say that-” Ludwig protested, looking hurt.

Feliciano felt guilty, Ludwig was clearly trying to open up but he was just silencing him too soon. Maybe Feliciano knew what he wanted to hear, and this wasn't it. He leant down and kissed him again. “I love you so much.”

Ludwig nodded. “I love you too. And, you can love again. Please.”

Feliciano nodded, finally understanding. “You don't want me to be alone.”

“You have too much love for that.” Ludwig said. “I can't bear the thought of it.”

Feliciano nodded. “Okay. Okay. I get it. I can't imagine it, I can't picture it, but I'll try.” He finished. He couldn’t picture it. He couldn’t dream it. Ludwig had been his plans for the future, and he had no back-up stored. However, he knew that one day, it could be true. He might be able to picture a future without Ludwig. Only time could tell.

Ludwig nodded. “I'm so happy I met you.”

Feliciano smiled. “Likewise.”

Ludwig kissed his forehead. “I…” Ludwig said, and then blushed and looked away, but turned back to Feliciano. “I always felt like I depended on you.”

Feliciano’s heart clenched. _Depended_? Ludwig could never depend on Feliciano. It was always the other way around. “How?”

“I was so shy- I am shy- but you bring me out of my shell, you make me feel brave, you make me feel confident, you make me feel like I don't have to fear emotions- I know I still fail sometimes in that department, but it's all you.” Feliciano opened his mouth to interject, but Ludwig continued. “I'm sorry, I feel like I've ruined your life with all this- and I know I can't help it, but you should be out laughing and having fun and selling art and not having any worries and not here with a sick man near a potential death situation.”

Feliciano let the tears fall. “Ludwig- I feel the same. I always felt I depended on you. You're strong and dependable and _rational_ and _sensible_ , and brave, _so brave_ , and you’re hardworking and sane and sweet and loving and caring and you make me feel confident and safe and always that I have a home. You've always brought out the best in me--”

“And you the same.” Ludwig interjected.

Feliciano nodded. “We balance each other I suppose. But, I will say to counter your last, point, that I'd do this again. And again. And again. Everyone should ideally not be in this position, but they are. This is… Life.”

“I suppose.” Ludwig hummed in agreement.

“This is life and death.” Feliciano finished. It was. They were at crossroads. They could never escape death, really, and even if it was now and not the future like they wanted, it was ok.

They cuddled up, and whispered murmurings to each-other the whole night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my favourite chapter.
> 
> I hope you like! We're nearing the end of this story now.


	7. Chapter 7

Eventually, the respite in Germany ended.

To England they went.

It was full of apprehension, and any idea of relaxation was thrown out the window. Their few days in England were met with a sense of numbness. Most of it was just reassuarnces that they were all hear for eachother. Lovino had rang to say the same, and Feliciano had cried on the phone, and Feliciano felt awful.

Feliciano felt awful, and so did Gilbert, he could tell; and it must've been worse for Ludwig.

It was all so potentially final.

They had two days before the Operation.

Gilbert went out one night to give Feliciano and Ludwig some time alone.

They spent it, in a last night of intimacy, but mostly just cradling eachother.

Ludwig kissed Feliciano passionately. “I love you.” He said finally.

Feliciano smiled. “I love you too.”

They had little else to say. They spent that night cuddling, and in each other's arms.

* * *

The day of the operation came, and Feliciano was nervous.

Feliciano drove them to the hospital, and it was mostly in silence. Feliciano thought he had accepted it. But the hospital was looming closer, and he was feeling the sick feelings again.

Feliciano thought had accepted the potential end, but he couldn't really accept it.

“Gilbert, Feliciano, I’m sorry… I'm… Scared.” Ludwig murmured, breaking the silence.

Gilbert flinched. “Same.”

Feliciano nodded. “We don't know what is going to happen."

“I realise as I get closer that I don't want to die, I'm not sure I-” his breathing quickened, and Ludwig clutched his head, in a panic.

“Ludwig, I don't know what to say.” Feliciano admitted, wondering whether he should pull over.

Gilbert seemed to sense Feliciano’s trepidation. “Keep driving, Feliciano.”

The journey continued in silence, and Gilbert helped sooth Ludwig into a kind of chillness.

* * *

They listened to the doctors describe the procedure, and it made Feliciano feel queasy. There was three options; one, Ludwig would come out with the tumour removed; two, the doctors would fail to remove it so Ludwig would die in six months; or three, Ludwig would die right there. He prayed for the first one, he could deal with the second at least for now, and was terrified of the last.

“We’re going to administer the anaesthetic soon, so please, say your goodbyes for now.” The nurse asked.

“Bye Feliciano, bye Gilbert.” Ludwig said, as if he wasn't sure what else to say.

“Goodbye little brother.” Gilbert rasped, and it was clear he was near breaking down.

Feliciano kissed him on the forehead. “Bye, Ludwig, please don't be scared, and I love you.”

Ludwig nodded, and the anaesthetic was administered, and he eventually lost consciousness.

Feliciano realised he never took in Ludwig’s eyes for the last time.

* * *

They knew the operation would be hours.

Feliciano had already drank 4 cups of coffee in nervousness, and Gilbert had to stop him getting another one as he knew Feliciano was making himself ill.

Feliciano fumbled with his phone, anxiously, and found his photo folder. He began looking through his photos.

Gilbert peered over. “They're nice.”

Feliciano smiled, softly. “I love this one, where he doesn't realise the photos being taken.” He said, and pulled out a photo of Ludwig with full hair and reading a book on their sofa with their dogs lying on their lap.

“He looks so nice there.” Gilbert agreed.

They continued to flick through the photos, and eventually they reached the cancer stages.

“I can't believe you have pictures of this.” Gilbert muttered.

Feliciano fiddled with the phone. “Do you object?”

Gilbert shrugged. “I suppose I only take photos when people are smiling.” He said.

“I think photographs should be of everything.”

Gilbert smiled. “I studied mathematics, not art.”

As Feliciano flicked through his photo album, he ended up flicking through the hundreds there. thousands, even. Photos of Ludwig, photos of them two, photos of family, photos of holidays, photos of nothing. Feliciano's breath hitched when he came across the first photo: the photo he had taken of Ludwig on their first study period. Feliciano had taken it quickly and there was a finger peaking into the lens. Ludwig looked awkward and confused to the picture taking, offering a shy smile to the camera. They hadn't known eachother like they did now, now Ludwig understood Feliciano a bit more and wouldn't flinch at the photos normally. In the photo, Ludwig and looked so much younger, with full hair, and he looked so _healthy_. Like they hadn't known this would be the future for them.

Feliciano let a few tears fall onto the phone camera, and Gilbert tried to comfort him, but there was little eachother could do for the other now. The reminiscing ended when the phone rang. He picked it up when he saw it was Lovino. “I'm not in the mood for a chat, lovi.” He muttered, as he wiped away the tears.

“Hey, I don't want to- what part of the hospital are you in?”

“Ward b, why?” Feliciano replied, but the phone clicked off.

Five minutes later, Lovino stepped into the waiting room.

“Lovino! You're here?! Why, how?” Feliciano exclaimed, earning a glare from a nurse.

Lovino just sat down. “You blabbed on about the hospital where it was, the date, the time, I had all the information. I just… I wasn't going to come, I felt I might intrude, but I wanted to be here for you.” Lovino finished. “It was on my mind constantly so I booked a ticket this morning. Told work I was sick if they start harassing me.”

Feliciano hugged Lovino tightly. “I'm so happy you're here.”

Lovino hugged him back. “Yeah, yeah.” He said dismissively, but not completely heartlessly.

* * *

More hours passed.

Lovino didn't say much, he seemed to have little to say. Feliciano didn't mind, he was here. Gilbert and Lovino chatted a bit, and Feliciano could tell he was glad Lovino was here, but _whatever it was_ they had between them wasn't driving much conversation. How could it.

It was a long operation. So long. The fact that it was still continuing was a good thing, right? It meant he was still alive. Unless it was going badly- _breath, Felicaino_. Feliciano’s head was abuzz with all these concepts, but he had to stop himself. He couldn't do anything, so he had to control himself and not let him get over emotional.

He just had to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait

“Relations of Ludwig Beillschmidt?” He heard a nurse call after dozing.

“Yes?” Gilbert immediately replied, which Feliciano was glad of because he was too apprehensive to really speak.

The nurse stood professionally. “The operation was difficult, but he’s been moved out of the operating theatre, yes, alive.” The nurse said, and Feliciano felt euphoric. “The tumour’s degradation of the spine was even worse than we thought it would've been but it was eventually removed, and we can say we think its a success. Ludwig should awaken from anaesthesia soon.”

 _The best news._ Ludwig was alive. He hadn't died on the operating table. Feliciano could almost sense a future, it was so close, yet after everything, he couldn't let himself believe it until he saw the man.

“So he’s going to be fine?” Gilbert asked.

The nurse paused. “He needs a long period of recovery and rest, but we have no reason to believe he won't recover fully.”

Gilbert smiled, and then went to hug Feliciano, who was in a daze.

They'd played the game, and death was being stalled.

Lovino shook his shoulder. “Feliciano, this is great news- I'm so happy, and you better not tell him that, ah fuck it, just tell him anyway-- are you okay, you're not responding?” he asked.

Feliciano nodded. “Never been better” he croaked out.

* * *

Ludwig was waking up when they saw him.

“Ludwig!” Feliciano called.

“Mm, hello Feliciano” Ludwig replied back. _'_ Feliciano had never felt more happy to hear ' _Hello, Feliciano'_ in his entire life. Ludwig appeared to be slightly dazed and loopy, which they said he might be coming from the anesthesia. He smiled at Gilbert. “Hello, Gilbert.” He smiled.

Gilbert leant in to ruffle his hair, like he used to do when Ludwig was a child, but realising he had none, patted him awkwardly on the head,  then kissed him on the forehead. "Fucking hell, you're okay Ludwig."

Ludwig smiled and patted Gilbert on the back, and turned and saw Lovino. “I didn't know there were two Feliciano’s.”

“I'm Lovino, shithead.”

“Feli, there's a guy who looks just like you.” Ludwig laughed, and Feliciano broke into a grin.

Lovino fumed. “I'm his twin! We've met before!” He exclaimed, but it made Gilbert cackle harder.

Ludwig squinted at Lovino. “I'm confused.”

Feliciano waved his hand to shut Lovino up who looked like he was going to argue, whilst Gilbert laughed hard in the background and was met with furious swipes from Lovino. “Don't worry, Ludwig, everything's fine”.

And then Feliciano broke down, cradling Ludwig. “I can't believe it, you're fine.” He said, nuzzling Ludwig’s head as he wrapped his arms around his body. Ludwig really was alive, it hadn't _ended_. The tears were falling down his cheeks. “You're still here.”

Ludwig was clearly still too dazed to really respond, but patted Feliciano on the back in the hug. “I'm here.”

Feliciano nodded. “You're here.”

Everything was going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is not the end, we've still got a bit to go, but it is the climax of the story. Sorry if anyone was expecting tragedy, this is the ending I always had planned, and even when I realised half way through I got ideas for the tragic ending, it just felt so false. This wasn't ever meant to be a story about death, more about how life is changed for a couple with a looming threat. Also most cancer fics kill the other off so. Also I'm kinda soft.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me so far, and to anyone who's left kudos and such nice comments! There should be only one chapter to go, but alas, I keep extending and editing it. Who knows?


	8. Chapter 8

After the operation, everything seemed to click back into place for Feliciano.

Ludwig was allowed to return home after five days, once the doctors were sure the back wound was healing nicely and there was less chance of an infection. Feliciano was taught how to dress and clean the wound, and was given strict instructions to keep Ludwig in bed and rest, as he could not put any strain on his back yet at all.

Feliciano couldn’t help but feel wary that he might mess up, might cause the wound to fester or something, but Ludwig had assured him he wouldn’t, and had memorised the instructions as well.

The wound itself was a large scar, running at the base of Ludwig’s spine. It actually made Feliciano flinch when he saw it. Ludwig had then instructed them to take a picture of it and show him. Ludwig had been himself taken aback when he saw it, and then shrugged. “I suppose it’s what I expected.”

But scars heal. Feliciano could easily see the indenture in Ludwig’s back softening with the days passing by; healing to simply be an angry raised line, a reminder of what happened, but not a permanent fixture

The biggest challenge was making sure Ludwig didn’t over exert himself. The first few days Ludwig had been good, propping up his back with cushions, spending most of it resting, but the boredom set in and Ludwig was itching to walk his dogs. Feliciano had refused, and eventually, somehow, Feliciano had won. For a week, at least. Ludwig did take Feliciano’s words to heart though, and kept his excursions to a minimum, slow activity.

Sakura and Arthur had even visited, and the flat they had felt so full with four guests. They all intermingled well, and Sakura even shed a tear at Ludwig being well, which Feliciano felt was so sweet.

Lovino and Gilbert eventually left, as they knew they had to, with work and all. Them being there had been a constant source of support, as they had helped transport Ludwig home, as they had helped Feliciano keep on top of all the pain medications and the dressings and the numbers to call if he wasn’t sure. Lovino cooked, Gilbert kept Ludwig company when Feliciano went to work, and Feliciano wasn’t sure how Gilbert even kept his teaching job with his time away. “I’m good at what I do. They owe me for the good exam results” Gilbert had said as he laughed away Ludwig’s pesterings, and eventually Ludwig accepted it.

Feliciano had hugged Lovino within that first week of Ludwig being home. “I guess when you return home, you can plan that trip around the world. Cause Ludwig is fine and all, and you deserve it.”

Lovino had shrugged. “I… err… well, I’m postponing it to the summer. Gilbert said he’d come with me for at least some of it when the kids get off on their holidays.”

Feliciano squealed. “So, what’s going on between you two, it’s a relationship?”

Lovino flushed red, “No- well, maybe. I don’t know, it’s not serious serious if you’re asking. I thought it was just casual really, but then he asked to come with me. Ah fuck, I suppose it would be nice to have some company for a bit though, wouldn’t it?”

Feliciano nodded. He hoped they worked it out, their relationship. Because now, he was trying to work it out with Ludwig and him. Well, they had already worked it out, but the _next step_.

* * *

 

Feliciano was behing Ludwig as the blonde slumped down as they reached a small bench. “I'm not sure if I want to go any higher.” He stated, and Feliciano nodded.

It was 3 months after the operation. They were in the middle of Germany, climbing a mountain, attempting to have a good, healthy hike.

Feliciano smiled. “Thank god, I was getting tired!” He said cheerily as he seated himself on the bench as well.

Ludwig huffed. “I used to be able to hike to the top with my grandfather and Gilbert.” He said.

“Well we’ll just have to come back another day. The views are stunning though!” Feliciano said.

And it was. Spring air, blue cloudy skies, warm sun and beautiful views of the town below. It was a favourite of Ludwig, and so they decided to climb it when they visited Germany next.

Ludwig had wanted to go up the mountain, but warned he might not have the energy to go all the way up it. He still got tired easily, compared to how he was before the cancer, but Feliciano thought he looked better everyday, with a fuzz of blonde hair and a strong, proud stance in the way he walked.

Feliciano looked at Ludwig, looking rather content and happy on that mountain, and Feliciano’s heart melted a little bit. He clenched his hand around his coat pocket, immediately feeling nervous.

“Oh Ludwig, what’s that building in the distance over there!?” He asked, pointing in the direction away from Feliciano’s right pocket.

Ludwig looked over, as Feliciano pulled a small box out from his pocket. “You mean the church looking building? Well, it's a church.” He said, rolling his eyes at Feliciano.

“Ahaha, silly me!” He said, keeping the box in his hand hidden from Ludwig’s view.

“I think the walk is getting to you.” He said, laughing a little.

Feliciano's hand felt sweaty around the box. _Sweat_ … ugh, Feliciano should be doing this when they’re clean and not sweaty from a hike. Maybe they’d be in nice suits, drinking wine over a nice meal, _perhaps they could even have a violin playing, or even a small orchestra…_

But Ludwig wasn't into that sort of thing, he wasn’t fond of grand gestures, he’d like this _private_ and _simple_. Ludwig had mentioned that he wanted to go up this mountain, and Feliciano had thought why not now…

Ludwig was gazing at the view, but Feliciano pulled him to look at him.

“Hey Ludwig, I, uh…” He trailed off, but then bent down on one knee onto the path.

Ludwig immediately went pale.

Feliciano brought the box forward, and revealed the gold ring concealed within the box. “I think, you're the most handsome man in this world, and the nicest, and I feel so lucky when I wake up to you every day, and I'm so happy you're here with me… Will you do me the honour and become my husband?” He finished, his mouth dry and heart racing.

Ludwig looked shocked. “Well, uh…” a pause. It felt like forever to Feliciano, and he was inwardly begging Ludwig to at least end the apprehension. _Maybe this was too sudden. Perhaps maybe he should've waited-_ “Of course.” Ludwig stated simply in the end.

Feliciano grinned as his heart skipped back into working order. “Yes!” He full on kissed Ludwig, who kissed back. Feliciano eventually fumbled with the ring, and slipped it onto ring finger.

Ludwig’s face had gone from white with shock to red with embarrassment. “You're so-- it came out of no-where! You almost gave me a heart attack!” He exclaimed,

“I wanted it to be a pleasant surprise!” Feliciano said.

Ludwig shuffled and groaned, and bought a hand to his face in embarrassment. Feliciano cooed, and hugged the man, but then Feliciano heard the soft sobs trying to be stifled.

Feliciano immediately went to console him, and brought Ludwig's hand away from his face. “I'm sorry- you're right, I should've discussed this with you more-”

“It's not that. I just-- a few months ago I didn't think any of this would happen, and now-” Ludwig said, eventually lifting his face to meet Feliciano's.

Feliciano smiled. “Well, it's going to happen.”

Ludwig smiled again. “I suppose it is.” He fumbled with the ring on his finger.

They hung around on the bench for a good half an hour, until they decided to descend.

Ludwig grumbled. “I suppose I've got find a way to break it to Gilbert. Knowing him, he’ll make a deal out of it.”

“He already knows.” Feliciano flinched a little at Ludwig’s glare. “I asked for his permission! Not that him saying no would've affected my decision…” he tailed off, and smiled. “He didn't say anything, but I have a suspicion that he's going to throw a party to celebrate when we get home.”

“What if I said no.”

Feliciano shrugged. “He was convinced you'd say yes.”

Ludwig smiled. “Of course. As if there was any doubt I’d say no.” he said, and gave Feliciano a sweet, light kiss.

\---

Gilbert did have the sense to ask how the trip went, and when Ludwig replied that they were now engaged, Gilbert acted surprised.

“Let's go celebrate!” Was the call from his brother that Ludwig ignored, at least for that night, as Feliciano and Ludwig had simply decided to spend it within eachothers personal company. Their sex life had slowly returned to its normal, more penetrative form. Ludwig was on top tonight, showering Feliciano with so much affection. “I love you” he stated as they finished, feeling so close and content with eachother.

“Mmm, I love you too.”

Ludwig could only resist his brother’s calls for one night, and Feliciano groaned when he returned home from several bars the next evening with a wasted Ludwig and Gilbert.

Ludwig was always terrible with hangovers.

It was when Feliciano was awake in the morning, looking at the asleep Ludwig, who would soon awake with pain, that Feliciano reflected.

A lot had changed.

Ludwig was still fatigued easily, and slept more than before the cancer, and couldn't be as physical as he once was. He was improving, but Feliciano wouldn’t know for certain if he’d get well.

Feliciano didn't need Ludwig to wake him up anymore; he now had too much of a routine to rely on Ludwig as an alarm clock.

They talked more about how they were feeling; good, bad, and everything in between.

Gilbert and Ludwig were closer than ever.

Lovino acted kinder with Ludwig and no longer made an effort to antagonise him.

Lovino and Gilbert had a… thing.

Yet, some things never changed.

Ludwig made an over abundance of cakes, and Feliciano made too much pasta.

Ludwig would overwork himself and Feliciano would leave his work unorganised and messy.

They walked their dogs twice a day.

Sakura was still a close friend.

Feliciano took pictures of whatever they could.

Feliciano adored Ludwig, and visa versa.

Ludwig and Feliciano were still here, living, _breathing_.

And then there's the future.

It wasn't certain. The cancer could always return. Ludwig could get sick again; and go through treatment, and the treatment could always fail.

But Feliciano also knew that he could also get hit by a car the next day, as that was just the way life went.

The future, for now, was their wedding and their continued life.

And that was fine.

 

Ludwig groaned as his eyes fluttered awake.. “I feel awful.” He moaned.

Feliciano laughed. “It's your own fault.”

Ludwig moaned a reply.

“It's fine, just go back to sleep.” He said.

Ludwig fell asleep, and Feliciano realised that although Ludwig was moaning in pain; Feliciano didn't have to worry.

All was well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Didn't intend for the last line to be the same as the Deathly Hallows
> 
> Feliciano strikes me as the more romantic of the pair and the type to propose first.
> 
> Thanks for reaching the end of this fic, I hope you liked this fic, and I love feedback. Have a super day!


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